Tucing Buncit Says....

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Ugly Side of Me...

Sorry I’ve been away.

Like I mentioned before, things have happened in my life, which kept me away from the land of blogging.

I may now give you a peek into what’s been going on in my little world.

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Firstly, I’m transferring to a different company. Currently I’m smack dab in the KL area, but effective 2nd Nov, I’ll be moving to another position in Bangi. My current position is in Human Resources, but my new position is an engineering position. Yep, two worlds apart! I was an engineering student, but was offered a non-technical position here.

While I like what I’m doing right now, I do on occasions wonder, what would it be like to go back to my former line? How does it feel to be an engineer? So I figured, I might as well find out. Hey, better now than never!

Yep, I may have to start my career all over again, but that’s a small price to pay (hopefully) to prevent regretting not doing it at all! I don’t want to be 40, and asking myself, “If only…(?)”, or “What if I….(?)” – I do not wish to have that kind of regret! So Bangi, here I come!


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Secondly, I was pregnant. Yes, WAS.

I was admitted into the hospital twice last month – the first time because I had some bleeding and it turned out that my hormones were too low to support the pregnancy, so they kept me inside to monitor me, give me many painful hormone jabs (mostly on the butt, yep) and basically give me complete bedrest.

I was released with stocks of various supplements, went to work for a few days, then had some bleeding again. So I was admitted again, but this time, they found out that the baby had died inside. I had to undergo a ‘suction evacuation’ operation (or widely known as DNC) to remove the baby.

Guys, this was my second failed pregnancy in a year. I had to undergo the same procedure only about 12 months before that, at the same hospital. Naturally, they wanted to find out what was wrong with me so they took a specimen from this latest DNC and did a chromosomal analysis. These were their findings:

1) The baby did not have Down Syndrome.
2) At the DNA level, the baby was perfectly normal.
3) The baby would have been a girl. A girl!! (I somehow knew it was gonna be a girl, even before the test results...)

Apparently, the baby just died. It had some indication of Arias Stella, meaning the baby cells divided too rapidly before reaching maturity.

What could I have done? What could I do to prevent this again? I asked the doc.

Basically, NOTHING.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken. Woodster and I have been trying for a baby since we got back from the States. That was about 2 years ago. Some may say that 2 years is not a very long time, and that we shouldn’t be so upset, but mind you, we have been married for more than 5 years.

When we lost the baby last year, we were heartbroken. But, we at least knew why – I was sick for about two weeks; I had fever, flu and cough. My immune system was very low, and it was during this when I contracted a virus called CytoMegaloVirus (CMV) which killed the pregnancy. Even if the baby survived, there was a very good chance that he/she would’ve been blind, retarded or with serious physical defects.

The first time it happened, I redha with God’s will but even so, I was still heartbroken and for a while, I got into a serious period of depression.

I was avoiding friends and sometimes even family members. While my heart ached (so much!!) to see my old beloved school friends, I made excuses to skip their gatherings or reunions. I missed family outings. I was depressed and bitter. When I heard news of friends and family members who got pregnant or just got a baby, I was jealous. I loved them, but I couldn’t bear being in their company.

So I stayed away for months.

Then, I started to realize that being unhappy wasn’t gonna help us conceive either. I tried new things, surrounded myself with good friends (Lion3ss, Syiro – thanks so much. Love you guys!) and just tried to make myself happier. Slowly, I got better.

Then on Merdeka Day this year, I found out I was pregnant again. Alhamdulillah!! Only God could describe how we both felt. I cried and cried, for this came unexpectedly. We were both elated, but cautious at the same time, for fear of history repeating itself.

So this time, we did everything right – I ditched the high heels, religiously took supplements, watched my diet, walked slowly, stayed away from crowded places, took frequent rests, avoided getting sick, etc etc. I even stopped going back to my parents’ place in PD because my mother-in-law admonished any kind of traveling.

But I lost it anyway.

Again, I understand that this is God’s will, that He is testing us both, that we should be patient and redha, that our time has not or MAY NOT come. I understand all that.

But my friends, understanding doesn’t make it any easier or less painful. I’m not sure how I am doing. I think I am fine, but I’m not. I feel I’m okay, but I’m depressed. I may smile and laugh and joke around, but when I think about what happened, I’ll cry for hours.

If last time took me a few months to heal, this time might take me more. I honestly don’t know. I want to move past this, but how can you do so if it’s the only one thing in the world that you want? How can you when everything around you constantly reminds you of it? When people keep asking you about it??

You stupid idiots!! Shut the hell up!!!!

Don't ask me about it, don't give me advice, and please, don't give me your opinions on what happened. Just shut the f*ck up!

And don't judge me.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter and ungrateful, but just let me vent this out.

fuc@!#*c(@&#!@#^*##!!k@$^*@^$*&^$!@u$&%@#Z^%$d&@#(@am^!*^@#*^!n@*$^*!@$y%o*u!@&$%&*!@^#s*h@^$*!@%u^t$!&*(@^$!@*(^#*u!@^#%$%&$&p#!!!%^$&@*$^@!(#$(!@^$(!@^$(!@^$(^$*$%#^%*#&*(!@#^$@^#!&*@^#!*^@!^!!!!

There.

Better.

For now.

Till someone opens their mouth again.



Thank you for listening.


Posted by ADLIZA HIZAN :: 8:30 AM :: |
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