Tucing Buncit Says....
Friday, December 30, 2005
Last Post for 2005
Hey hey hey,
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Resolutions?? Pbbttthhhh!!
Hope you will all have a good year ahead! *I surely hope I will :)*2005, you've been memorable, but Buh-Bye...!
Posted by ADLIZA HIZAN ::
12:19 PM ::
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Monday, December 19, 2005
Actually, it's a bit more complicated than you think...
First and foremost,
Thank you all for your kind words of support & encouragement.
To torqxic, a special thanks to you. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s not wrong to say that you gave me hope, a newer perspective in dealing with this and a renewed understanding of the situation. May God Bless you & CT, and your whole family – Alisya, Naufal & Aliya (Insya Allah!)…
This post is a bit belated, for I wanted to write it earlier. So just bear with me…
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Can’t remember if I’ve told you this - a week after I miscarried, my sister-in-law (Woodster’s only sister) broke a shocking news to the family – that she is pregnant with her 3rd!
Barely 1 week after I lost mine.
At the news, I just broke down. It just felt so unfair. Only earlier she told me that she didn’t want another baby yet, not until the 2nd one is bigger. And she was very adamant about it too.
I barely had time to grieve, and suddenly this. Now everyone’s gonna forget what’s happened to me and talk about the new coming baby. Everyone’s going to be so jolly happy.. *surely they won’t notice the one person crying in the corner…?!*
Jealousy? You bet. Hey, you don’t have to tell me - I understand that she didn’t mean for it to happen yet, that it’s God’s rezeki to her. I know, I know… it’s not her fault that she got pregnant, and it’s not MY fault that I’m not…
But why do I feel like such a loser?
Until today, I still need to find that extra courage to even look at her. Because every time I do, I only notice how her belly’s getting bigger. And each time that happens, I bawl my eyes out afterwards.
I need to get over this, and believe me; I’m much better now (emotionally) than I was before. But she’s family, and she’s always around. She is a constant reminder of our loss and it makes me feel so small and inadequate…
I don’t blame her for my unhappiness, (but yet I do).
And I blame myself too. It was me, after all, who couldn’t manage to carry to term (not once, but twice), right?
It’s complicated.
And I'm a horrible, horrible person to be feeling and thinking this.
But still, thank you for listening.
Posted by ADLIZA HIZAN ::
2:57 PM ::
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